River Blessing
Kathleen M. Dwyer....September 8, 2010

Mother earth cradles the river

as it runs along beside me…

clean and sparkling rocks

help create

her ever changing symphony

Green, brown and yellow earth

hold my steps

as the river splashes blessings on me…

I am ready to follow her forward

 into the unknown!

My Name is Peter April 2010

I was sitting in my car at the T waiting for my daughter Karin.  A young white man, perhaps in his late twenties, was walking back and forth slowly…he saw that I was smoking.  As our eyes met he asked if I had a cigarette I could spare.  “Of course.” I said and gave him a couple.  He thanked me and we began talking about the weather and how his cell phone had died and how he was now waiting for his girlfriend to come and pick him up.

I explained I was waiting for my daughter and that he could use my cell if he wanted but he said I don’t know any numbers…”they are all programmed into my cell phone”.  We both laughed and I said isn’t it terrible…I used to know all my friends phone numbers and now…he smiled knowingly.

He had such a gentle spirit and as we talked it was amazing how we went from the weather to more personal information. He mentioned how his dad had been in the merchant marines and I said how both interesting and hard that must have been for him…interesting because of the places his father would have traveled…hard because it must have meant he was away a lot.  He seemed surprised that I knew both ends of it…and then, with an ever so slight shrug, mentioned that his childhood home was quite dysfunctional.  I smiled and said yes…mine too.  But then I told him that it does give us an opportunity…we can stay stuck in the cycle of dysfunction or…we can try and make things different for ourselves as adults and certainly, for our kids. I told him that I was proud because I experienced my children and I as having created a really positive family unit.  Certainly, there were difficulties…but still, I went onto say, that at 40 and 35, my son, daughter and I remain very close and supportive of one another. They like him and me have issues…but we keep working on what was to better be present for what is… to help create positive changes for what’s to come. 

He smiled and went onto share that sometimes he feels as if he is 10 years older than he actually is and yet, it is only now that he is beginning to understand that his actions do affect others. “Wow” I said…some people never get that…good for you!  He did feel like a very old soul to me…with a core of gentleness, kindness mixed in with wisdom. I told him that and that he reminded me of my children and that it is not always easy to walk this earth in such a way.

At this point his girlfriend came and they cuddled into each other in a very sweet and affectionate way.  I told her that he was very special and she giggled and agreed.  I also felt her energy to be very kind, gentle and fun and told her that as well.  We said good-bye and as they walked away I looked up to see my daughter walking towards me. The young man and his girlfriend were about twenty feet away when he turned around and walked back towards my car with his hand open and extended.  When he reached my window he took my hand, which had drifted out of my car to receive his, and said, “My name is Peter…thank you”.  As we physically connected, it felt so good inside of me…the moments we shared were so meaningful to me and his gesture seemed to say that they were to him as well. I wished him all the best that there is and he said he wished me the same and quickly added the same wishes for my son and daughter.

As Karin got into the car she asked who he was.  I told her about my precious and unexpected moments of conversation…she looked at me and we both smiled, and then, feeling a little more whole, I fastened my seat belt and we headed home. 

Thoughts from a survivor of clergy ritual, sexual and spiritual abuse

LENT 2010

Even after decades of traveling back to my past… of naming out loud my reality…of feeling the pain, betrayal and countless other feelings…I still can get hit with the legacy that is familiar to most of us who have been sexually abused by people we should have been able to trust.  The more work I have done the more healing I have received and yet…the legacy of being sexually abused, at times immobilizing, never really leaves but rather seems to lay dormant, waiting for some trigger to appear.  Like the original perpetrators, the “legacy” often attacks my body, mind and spirit unexpectedly, leaving me feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone.

Such was the 2010 season of Lent.  At a time when I had finally felt and dared to hope it would be less difficult it was in fact more difficult than usual.   The despair and grief I experienced, along with a scattering of physically painful body memories, seem to have lifted now, leaving me with more clarity about the contributing factors over the last two months.  Of course, there were the usual factors such as the interconnectedness of family and church, timing of the abuse and the media coverage of Lent.  But this year there was also the media coverage proving, again through the churches own documents, that the sexual abuse and cover-up in the catholic church is international and organized and that those who covered-up these crimes and moved known abusers from parish to parish include both this pope and the previous one as well. 

Of course, I was not surprised.  I actually believe that this behavior goes back centuries not decades.  In that sense, it was validating but I learned a long time ago that validation can often be like a double edged sword.     On one hand you finally have proof of what you have believed and proclaimed to be true but with that truth comes the loss of any hope that just maybe…you were wrong…just maybe there were not as many children sexually abused as you feared…that there were not countless children who struggled and are struggling to reach adulthood with some sense of self-esteem… peace… calm… love. 

So yes…while it was hopeful that more truth is being revealed it was also hard and triggering hearing so much affirmed… especially the knowing that countless others have experienced the horror so many of us know and that the deceit and betrayal is so deeply institutionalized that change, if even possible, will be a long, long wait, which ultimately means our children and the children yet to come remain at risk every bit as much as was I.

I am grateful that this Lent is behind me and that the unexpected triggers and heavy weight we felt has left. The paths survivors take are as varied and unique as are we survivors… some never acknowledge they were sexually abused…others work on healing until the day they die.  In between these two things are all the other ways that survivors walk this earth.  Whatever the path of your walk may be… may it bless you with the energy, support and challenge that will help you to keep walking towards creating a safer world for all children.

Hawk is one of my Power Animals and Spirit Guides. I am so grateful for Hawks presence in my life.

City Hawk

Kathleen M. Dwyer 2001

In the middle of the city street

claws wedged tightly into the frozen prey

You actually stayed longer than you should have

risking that precious second

that might have been the difference between

life and death

How many of your friends

have you seen taken out

splattered over the pavement from just such a moment of survival?

Perhaps it is an unexpected gift from my past

that I was not surprised to see you staring at me

as you struggled to try to remove both yourself and your prey

Anything is possible

to the extremes of the outer edges

of both the positive and negative

But this morning,

as I obsessively planned, if not my permanent,

at least my temporary departure

You blocked my path...causing me to stop fully...and mirrored

back to me determination, courage and survival

Thank You!

City Hawk Two

Kathleen M. Dwyer 2/2010

Perched fifty feet up

on the expressway light

you looked worn and tattered

after all these years

wings frayed... belly winter grey...

head fur looking not unlike my own when I first awake

As always, I said good morning and

thanked you for the contact on this day,

sent you loving and healing energy

and wondered about your days in the city...

were you finding enough to eat...

even as I saw your thinness

Driving under and by your perch 

I asked about the other two that

I sometimes saw you soar with

and dance the beautiful sky dance of hawks

as you search for prey..

mate...fun...

An hour later,

city and you long behind me

full, tall and protective trees lined the highway

perched among them country hawk welcomed travelers

Her body full, feathers neatly tucked...

she looked strong, regal and wise

Again I sent out my greeting and gratitude...

love and healing...

but could not deny the contrast of the two...

concern filled me...questions swirled through my head

another lesson...perhaps not so much for my survival

but rather, for both of you.

One of the Top Stories of the Decade

It is clear to me that one of the important and "potential for good" stories of this past decade should be the courage of survivors of sexual abuse by clergy (and those who supported them) who dared to publicly speak about the sexual abuse they experienced by their priest and/or church member.  In so doing, the long time betrayal and cover-up by the hierarchy of the Catholic Church was exposed, corroborated and proven, beyond any doubt, by the churches own documents. Seven years later, cases of sexual abuse and cover-up in the Catholic Church continue to be identified, most recently in Ireland.   It is a hard truth for the masses to take in and yet, until they do, the opportunity given by the silence that has been shattered can not be fully realized.  The church and the majority of people continue to role model denial, rationalization and/or blaming others (especially the survivors who told) for what happened.  The church does this for the obvious…greed and protection of itself.  However, the masses seem incapable, unwilling or terrified of accepting that a survivor’s truth does not negate their truth but neither does their truth negate a survivor’s…that the very same priest that sexually abused a survivor may well have appropriately loved and comforted them. But perhaps most importantly the masses ongoing refusal to accept these church documented truths leaves all the children yet to come, catholic or otherwise, in greater danger of being victimized by people they should be able to trust. 
  

While we may never really know the extent of the abuse and cover-up in the Catholic Church, the countless stories this past decade about clergy sexual abuse should help everyone who cares about our children come to understand if sexual abuse can happen in  “holy institutions” it also can happen in all others, including the family.  Only then, when the scope of this heinous crime and urgency in addressing it is accepted and realized, will the potential really exist for creating meaningful changes that results in better protection for all children, catholic or otherwise.