LENT 2010
Even after decades of traveling back to my past… of naming out loud my reality…of feeling the pain, betrayal and countless other feelings…I still can get hit with the legacy that is familiar to most of us who have been sexually abused by people we should have been able to trust. The more work I have done the more healing I have received and yet…the legacy of being sexually abused, at times immobilizing, never really leaves but rather seems to lay dormant, waiting for some trigger to appear. Like the original perpetrators, the “legacy” often attacks my body, mind and spirit unexpectedly, leaving me feeling embarrassed, ashamed and alone.
Such was the 2010 season of Lent. At a time when I had finally felt and dared to hope it would be less difficult it was in fact more difficult than usual. The despair and grief I experienced, along with a scattering of physically painful body memories, seem to have lifted now, leaving me with more clarity about the contributing factors over the last two months. Of course, there were the usual factors such as the interconnectedness of family and church, timing of the abuse and the media coverage of Lent. But this year there was also the media coverage proving, again through the churches own documents, that the sexual abuse and cover-up in the catholic church is international and organized and that those who covered-up these crimes and moved known abusers from parish to parish include both this pope and the previous one as well.
Of course, I was not surprised. I actually believe that this behavior goes back centuries not decades. In that sense, it was validating but I learned a long time ago that validation can often be like a double edged sword. On one hand you finally have proof of what you have believed and proclaimed to be true but with that truth comes the loss of any hope that just maybe…you were wrong…just maybe there were not as many children sexually abused as you feared…that there were not countless children who struggled and are struggling to reach adulthood with some sense of self-esteem… peace… calm… love.
So yes…while it was hopeful that more truth is being revealed it was also hard and triggering hearing so much affirmed… especially the knowing that countless others have experienced the horror so many of us know and that the deceit and betrayal is so deeply institutionalized that change, if even possible, will be a long, long wait, which ultimately means our children and the children yet to come remain at risk every bit as much as was I.
I am grateful that this Lent is behind me and that the unexpected triggers and heavy weight we felt has left. The paths survivors take are as varied and unique as are we survivors… some never acknowledge they were sexually abused…others work on healing until the day they die. In between these two things are all the other ways that survivors walk this earth. Whatever the path of your walk may be… may it bless you with the energy, support and challenge that will help you to keep walking towards creating a safer world for all children.
