Thank you...it brought a smile to my face!

For many years now I have been making a weekly trip to Gloucester to meet with my therapist and work towards dealing with my past, being in the present and looking to the future.  The work is hard and painful but, at the same time, it is also freeing and hopeful.  The combination of the Gloucester Coast, beautiful woodlands, quarries and wildlife have been gifts that have made the trip everything from tolerable to incredibly beautiful.  

A couple of years ago, another gift manifested on my trip to and from Gloucester.  It was around this time of the year, driving home after a particularly difficult session, when I first noticed it.  Feeling sad and heavy I suddenly became aware of bright shiny red, gold, green and silver ornament balls hanging on the trees that lined Rte. 128 in Gloucester.  One of the decorated trees was even in the median and it had more ornaments on it than I could count.  I couldn't help but smile at the sight and wondered to myself how did all these decorations get there and then began to imagine what the person or persons would look like going from tree to tree, undoubtedly trying not to get "caught" by the authorities, as they dressed both the naked and still green trees with ornaments.  


As I continued my drive home, I began to notice that I didn't feel quite so heavy....the weight I had been feeling seemed much lighter from what I believe was the power of the smile that spontaneously and seemingly out of my control crept across my face and filled my being with "smile" feelings.  I remember feeling so grateful to whoever had decorated the trees and began thinking about ways I might be able to leave something along another way that just might bring a smile to another. 

Last year I have no recall of seeing the decorated trees...perhaps they were there but I missed them...nonetheless....this past Wednesday on my weekly trip to Gloucester, there they were once again bringing not only a smile to my face but indeed, an out loud chuckle as well as an out loud declaration of "they're back"!   I was so happy and grateful to see them again.  This year they were a little different...it seemed as if two ornaments were strategically placed on naked branches along the side of Rte 128, at a location and height quite easy to see while driving.  The first thing I said when I walked into my therapists' office  was "they're back"!   And on the way home, more smiles danced across my face as there was even a decorated tree in the median.

Now holidays have been a hard time for me over the years... I mean I haven't exactly been of the "bah humbug" nature but they are troubling for me from both a personal history perspective and from a materialistic and collective one as well.  Yet, the time, effort and expense some person of group of persons extended anonymously to place what I consider more "secular" decorations where one would least expect to see them continues to bring a smile to my face.  I don't imagine whoever decorated these trees could ever really know just how much it means to me...in part because I am still awed at how much joy I get out of it.  Part of me really wants to know the story behind it all.... but for now, I will just enjoy what I have seen and let go with thanks and gratitude to whoever is responsible.

We Cannot Move From A Place We Deny We Are...

Here in America, the fourth Thursday in November is set aside to celebrate and give thanks for the Pilgrims coming to this land. As a poor white child I was taught that those who came actually “discovered” this land thereby reducing the Native People to non-people and creating a one-side story that those who live here now are the benefactors of strong, courageous and dedicated explorers looking only for a better way of life.

As I grew from child to adult woman, I had, and continue to have, countless awareness’s about who I am, how I receive the advantages and disadvantages that manifest as privilege or lack of privilege and who benefits and who is hurt from my denial and/or unconsciousness about myself, others and the country and world I live in. It is easy to celebrate the positive…to hold it up for the whole world to see but it is impossible to improve as an individual or as a people unless we are also willing to hold up, accept responsibility and grieve all that is shameful, disrespectful and indeed, horrible. We cannot move from a place we deny we are. We must, both personally and collectively, hold up all our truths and not act as if we are only innocent people who were and are just trying to do whatever. Whether it be the Catholic Church and the majority of it’s people who still cover up its role in the sexual abuse of countless children despite all their documents that prove otherwise, or America denying attempted genocide and betrayal of the Native People or individuals who deny their lack of integrity, biased judgment and abuse of power we need to collectively and individually claim all the truths as part of the whole. It is dangerous and limiting… immoral and irresponsible not to do so.

And so, on this revered American holiday, when most are gathered with their families and are giving thanks to the Pilgrims… I choose to stand with the Native people of this land in a “Day of Mourning”. I choose to honor and give thanks to those who went before… whose spirits still can be heard though their physical bodies were destroyed through attempted genocide…those who trusted in treaties never kept…promises never honored. Those who choose not to deny their reality but rather to speak their truth...which is part of the history of all of our truths…which is part of the whole and in so doing allows a wind of hope to blow over a land and a people who have the power to be better…to be more…

I have been attending the “Day of Mourning” for many years now and when unable to be there physically I am always there in spirit and wherever I may be, my voice speaks of the “Day of Mourning” so that others will know that some of us have not forgotten…some of us still seek accountability…some of us still believe that until all of the story is told, accepted, honored and grieved, we all remain blemished, however differently, with the greed, ignorance and shame of our betrayal and theft of the Native People and their land. And in my standing, I give thanks to those known and unknown people, animals and spirit guides who have loved, supported and challenged me to become as whole as I may be before it is my time to join those others who have already passed on. If you would like more information about “The Day of Mourning” please go to www.uaine.org

It was a rainy day this morning. People asking if we are ever going to have a summer this year with one woman saying “we only have July and August left. I try to gently remind them that summer doesn’t even begin until June 21^st. The weather does bring lots of conversations and becomes the reason for so many different choices. I just had to get away…it was so cold. We installed central air conditioning… it was so hot. The economy may limit some of our choices now but still, the ever changing and unpredictable weather of New England provides many a reason and/or excuse for some of the choices we make and for many of the conversations we have. Like one of my first conversations with a customer this morning.

She was a young white woman. She and her young daughter walked into the store shortly after we opened. I greeted them both with a good morning. The mom was engaged, up-beat and without a doubt, on a mission. Her young daughter, probably no more than eight or nine years old, was a little slower and looked as if perhaps she was just really waking up...the way a lot of kids look early on a weekend morning. The mother asked if we had any rain gear…specifically ponchos. She went onto explain how they were walking against childhood cancer for Tufts New England Medical Center, which I already knew was also known as Boston Floating Hospital for Children. She introduced me to her daughter and said how she had been fighting cancer for the last five years…that the Tufts New England Medical Center was their hospital and that they wanted to give back.

I knew that feeling well. Both my son and daughter had been patients at what I always called Boston Floating. Remembering my own children, I looked at the little girl and just want to hug her. Sometimes people questioned why not Children’s Hospital…it’s the best they would sometimes say to which I would always respond “not for us”. Floating was a blessing to us. The people there did so much for my children, their father and myself…more than just the medical care that was so crucial to their living, growing and becoming the wonderful adult man and woman they are today. They treated us as a family, taught me how to advocate for my children and walked with us through many a “touch and go” moment. My son who is now 39 and my daughter who is now 34 still, in spite of the medical trauma they experienced, remember the hospital with a fondness.

Now I was on a mission…where were those ponchos. We found them and the woman and daughter bought everyone of them…about 16 in all. They wanted to make sure there were extras in case some of the other walkers didn’t have any. I thanked them for the sale and for their walking and wished them break through of the sun. Shortly after they left a black woman walked in. She too was engaged, up-beat and without a doubt, on a mission. “Do you have any raingear” she asked and I turned to her and asked “Are you walking for Floating today?”. She smiled and said “Yes…I just wanted to pick a few up in case there were some walkers that needed them.” I smiled too and told her that a woman and her daughter from the walk had just bought all we had. We laughed. I thanked her for walking and wished her an early breakthrough of the sun. As she left to walk the seven miles in the rain, my wish for the sun, while nice, wasn’t necessary…the three of them were already brightly shining.

The store is a little more tense these days. New management and a new district brings with it new and unfamiliar ways and rules to both the front line staff and the customers who come in each day. Like most everyone else, the economy has had a difficult impact on each of us and has supposedly demanded that hours be cut. The people I work with work hard and the pay is really not enough to survive on...having hours cut makes that even more difficult. We all walk with the knowledge that corporate has the "upper hand" right now...and can get away with more than normal in their treatment of staff.

Still...it is the customers that make it more than just a job for me. Yes, I constantly have my eyes open for a job that will pay more and be less physically demanding for my aging and somewhat wounded body. But I want one that will also bring these "moments of intimacy" I so cherish and learn and grow from. Like today...a young, white woman, came to my register. While she looked somewhat reserved, she also felt quite up-beat. She followed several parent/child customers who had purchased special items for a school field day or just for the end of school in general. All the kids seemed lighter than usual today...summer is coming and with it perhaps expectations of less pressure. They didn't even look as tired this morning as they have on other days. I hope some at least are feeling this...it has been a tough year and, depending on your politics, a wonderful year...but no matter what, the kids get the trickle down effect in ways I think adults can and do easily deny.

Anyhow, when this young woman reached my register she was carrying with her 12 notebooks...the "composition" kind that many of us may be familiar with from our own days in school or journal writing or trying to organize one thing or another. Smiling, I said to her that she was either going to do a lot of writing or she was giving out an assignment to her students to keep a journal over the summer. She smiled and said I was partially correct...the composition notebooks were for her 8th and 9th grade students who she would be going to Rhawanda with this sumer. A "wow" came out of my mouth...a "wow" because I thought how awesome and a "wow" because I am continued to be amazed and awed at the people who come before me each morning...who they are and what they do. She said she wanted to help them prepare a notebook so that they would be ready to start recording their memories of the trip, which will be for three weeks and will start a few weeks after school gets out. She began to get so excited about what awaited them...it would be her first trip to Rhawanda also, although not her first trip chaperoning students to other places in the world. I told her to take lots of pictures and then, have them developed at the store so I could see them. She smiled and said OK and waved good-bye and once again I felt gratitude for being allowed into the life of another...her pending adventure...and the different paths each of us walk. Her trip lingered in my mind a bit as I imagined her and the twelve students getting ready to board the plane...the parents letting them go...the combination of anxiety and excitement playing out individually in each of them...the time difference...the land difference...the cultural difference and the many ways it could, however differently, impact each of them for the rest of their lives. May they each be blessed with openness!

Today is really beautiful...it's about 70 and the sky is a brilliant blue. There is a beautiful breeze blowing air full of a wonderful freshness that I so love.  My windows are open wide...it is like bathing my living space in a way that money and elbow grease, however good, cannot match.  I worked both yesterday and today.  It is such a wonder sharing these moments from so many different people that live, work or visit this urban community store.  Yesterday was Dorchester Day and everyone was wishing everyone a "Happy Dorchester Day" or planning strategies to avoid the traffic and crowds.  Some either didn't know it was happening or forgot and were so grateful for the reminder.  There is a big parade each year on this day and they close down all of Dorchester Avenue.  As I learned one year, if you are not part of the day then you certainly don't want to get caught in it...which is to say you don't want to be on the side of "Dot" Ave. that isn't the side you live on or it will take you hours to get home.  

This morning our Governor stopped in to pick up some odds and ends.  He has been in other times too and seems like a very nice man ... positive energy, which is how I sense people.  I didn't quiz him this morning about the budget or the corruption but instead, we just had some pleasant conversation.  Other folks came in as the morning progressed...we have a large elderly population that lives within walking distance and they visit often.  I imagine the people who come to this store are like a microcosm of our country.  I am impressed with their stamina, determination and attitude in general ... from the very young to the very old they are so responsive to a "good morning" or "I hope your day goes well".  They share so much in these moments at the register...I feel blessed, honored and enriched for the interactions.  Perhaps the best way to share what I mean is to write about an interaction with two customers three weeks ago.

The first was a white man...he had come in before but this morning he just didn't feel right to me...his energy seemed heavy...sad.  I asked how he was doing and, at first he said fine.  As the transaction continued his energy just seemed to get heavier and heavier and I said that I hoped everything was okay.  He looked at me and said that his wife had just died from cancer two days ago...they didn't expect it...she was doing so well.  We talked and even touched each others hands.  When he left he thanked me and I wished him support and healing.  We both had tears in our eyes.

Two customers later a black man walked up to the register.  He had a big smile and enough cleaning supplies to clean a castle.  His energy was excited...happy...expecting and I said "wow, looks like you got some work ahead of you."  He laughed out loud and said "Yea...I am planning on asking my girlfriend to marry me this weekend and I want everything to be perfect".  I melted...it was so sweet...I don't think I every quite pictured a guy cleaning up his place in order to ask his girlfriend to marry him.  We laughed and again, touched hands.  As he left I said that I couldn't imagine her saying anything but yes and wished him much happiness, health and peace.  He thanked me for asking and left saying how he had to get to work!

For a brief moment there were no customers and I thought...that is it...that is why I enjoy this job so much...right here before me...each morning that I am here...the whole cycle of life is presented and I have the honor and privilege not only to witness it but, when allowed, participate in it as well.  The pay, management and corporation may, to be nice, leave things to be desired...but the people...oh the people... in their woundedness...and in their joy... and in their everything in between...keep teaching me each day lessons I didn't even know I needed to learn.     

When I put the rubbish out this morning I noticed this little pansy that had grown and blossomed on the cement stairs.  I thought to myself how incredible...how against all odds...how if I had tried to grow flowers there I doubt that I would have been successful...how sometimes...even when you don't know it...nurturing and love is given and received and ultimately growth happens.  It made me think of my life and many of the lives I have witnessed and how early on in my own healing and recovery process my dear, dear friend Alice gave me a paper weight that just said "Bloom where YOU are planted".  Initially I didn't understand, but with time, love and support started to see some of my blossoms.  Sometimes people would refer to me as a "late bloomer".  As more time passed I realized that I wasn't really a "late bloomer" but that it was hard to bloom in a recognizable sense when you are trying to just survive one day to the next.  As I took in this thought, I wondered if maybe there was no such thing as a "late bloomer" but instead, there were only gardeners that fail to recognize and nurture the growth, blossoms and potential in each plant and tree.   Today, after many years of therapy and recovery and after receiving my 25 year medallion last night, I feel both the beauty and strength of the little pansy above and of the flower below, which was also growing in my yard this morning.  I know that I am both flowers as are each of you. We all have and do have obstacles to navigate and work around.  We all all wounded and in need of healing.   We all are blooming, however differently.  Without a doubt however, my ability to grow, blossom and mature came from accepting where I was planted...changing the ways it had limited me...and embracing that it is all a part of who I am.   Both flowers our equally beautiful to me and, for lack of another word or phrase, mind boggling.  I feel so appreciative for all the gardeners who saw my blossoms and beauty long before I even knew I had any.  May each of us be blessed with the gift to see the blossoms, beauty and strength in others as well.

Today is pretty special to me...it is my 25th anniversary of sobriety.  Twenty five years sober...so much has happened...so many people to be grateful for and to...a day at a time my work continues but I never could have imagined feeling like this and being in this place of acceptance and hope. That's not to say that things don't get rough...they do...but the one thing I do know is that I don't ever have to use alcohol again and that is really incredible.  Thank you to all! 

I guess my first post will be a poem I wrote not too long ago...Hope you like it.

The Ancestors Speak of Aging

Kathleen M. Dwyer      July 18, 2005

Slipping through the veil that separates

today from tomorrow from yesterday

 she seeks understanding about aging from the Ancestors.

They greet her with love and invite her to sit

as they begin to speak gently to her heart.

 

“Do not loose patience with yourself

not when you forget…not when your muscles become weaker…

not when your skin becomes too big for the body it covers

 

Do not loose patience with yourself

not when you become ill…not when recovery slows…

not when you hurt as you move from laying, to sitting to standing.

 

Do not be scared, angry or depressed

as your time lessens and you move closer to the door of your beginning

the door to your real home…the door to real sacredness and connection…

 

This is how it is for all that is life when the cycle begins to near completion

You have worked hard… and experienced much

Your body will carry you to the door

where you will leave it behind as you cross through into a real holy land”

 

She thought a moment and then said

“But I have much left to do before I cross over…

and the journey home is coming soon.

I fear having to leave before I am done”.

 

At this the elders smiled and sighed…

each knew what she was feeling…they too had felt likewise

and so, they spoke to her what had been spoken to them…

“Do not worry…when the time comes to cross over you will have done

what you had come to do

and the ways and beliefs of the world you are leaving

 will melt away and all that is life will celebrate your return

 greeting you with openness and love,

 wrapping you gently in a blanket of protection and peace

until it is time for your new lessons to begin”.

 

With that, the woman smiled and said

“Thank you!  My worries have lifted and my fears have lessened

I will continue to work towards knowledge and wholeness

 and look forward with hope and trust

to the day my body is shed and I enter through the door of my beginning

 to rest from the past and prepare for the future”.